Liliana Heker–Novelista y cuentista judío-argentina/Argentine Jewish Novelist and Short-story Writer–un fragmento del cuento “La muerte de Dios”–An excerpt from “The Death of God”

Liliana Heker

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Liliana Heker nació en Buenos Aires, en 1943. Es Cuentista, novelista y ensayista. Fundó y fue responsable, con Abelardo Castillo, de dos de las revistas de literatura de mayor repercusión en la letras argentinas y latinoamericanas: El Escarabajo de Oro (1961-1974), y El Ornitorrinco (1977-1986), donde publicó ensayos y sostuvo polémicas que trascendieron la circunstancia que las motivó. Sus cuatro primeros libros de cuentos se reúnen en el volumen Cuentos (editorial Punto de lectura). Publicó las novelas Zona de clivaje y El fin de la historia, y los libros de no ficción Las hermanas de Shakespeare y Diálogos sobre la vida y la muerte. Su último libro de cuentos es La muerte de Dios.
Obtuvo, entre otras distinciones, la Mención Única del Concurso de Casa de las Américas, el Primer Premio Municipal de Novela, el Premio Konex de Platino, el Premio a la Trayectoria Letras de Oro de la Fundación Honorarte, el Premio Esteban Echeverría a la trayectoria, otorgado por Gente de Letras. Entre 2005 y 2011 se desempeñó como directora del Fondo Nacional de las Artes. Desde 1978 coordina talleres de narrativa en los que se han formado varios de los mejores nuevos narradores de la literatura argentina.

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Liliana Heker was born in Buenos Aires in 1943, he is a short story writer, novelist, and essayist. He founded and edited, with Abelardo Castillo, two of the most influential literary magazines in Argentine and Latin American literature: El Escarabajo de Oro (1961–1974) and El Ornitorrinco (1977–1986), where he published essays and engaged in controversies that transcended the circumstances that motivated them. His first four collections of short stories are collected in the volume Cuentos (Punto de lectura). She published the novels Zona de Clivaje and El fin de la historia (The End of History), and the nonfiction books Las hermana de Shakespeare (Shakespeare’s Sisters) and Diálogos sobre la vida y la muerte (Dialogues on Life and Death). Her latest collection of short stories is La muerte de Dios (The Death of God).Among other awards, she has received the Sole Mention in the Casa de las Américas Competition, the First Municipal Novel Prize, the Platinum Konex Award, the Letras de Oro Lifetime Achievement Award from the Honorarte Foundation, and the Esteban Echeverría Lifetime Achievement Award from Gente de Letras. From 2005 to 2011, she served as director of the National Arts Fund. Since 1978, she has coordinated narrative workshops that have trained several of the best new storytellers in Argentine literature.

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“UNA MUCHACHA Y SU DIOS”

Ser judía —irá aprendiendo— es muchas cosas a la vez, todas ilógicas. La prohibición de usar la medalla del hombrecito es sólo una. Poco después de ese episodio se entera de que tampoco podrá ir al colegio al que una vez se escapó sólo por averiguar a dónde iban las niñas del sombrerito azul que tanto anhelaba, y en el que vio unas maestras como novias negras que la estremecieron de pavor y de deseo. Otra catástrofe ocurre en su quinto día de clase. Marianita entró directo a primero superior porque sabe todo, le cuenta su mamá a cualquiera que se le cruza. Pero es mentira, no sabe todo: ignora las claves de un mundo en que los demás parecen manejarse como peces en el agua. Sólo ella boquea. Literalmente boquea: ha vomitado todas las mañanas en el momento de salir para el colegio. En su quinto día de clase, la maestra formula una orden que la deja helada: Pónganse de pie los niños que no son católicos.
       ¿Hay un aura de desconcierto a su alrededor? ¿O es sólo ella la que siente que, por primera vez, va a tener que hacer pública una situación que no termina de entender? A su derecha, se ha puesto de pie una chica muy gorda y de apellido impronunciable a quien ella considera una perfecta tarada. Eso empeora las cosas: no quiere ser parte de un clan despreciable. Con disimulo echa una mirada hacia atrás. Ve de pie junto a su banco a la chica que más le gusta: es flaca, tiene pecas en la nariz y conoce los doce trabajos de Hércules. También ve de pie a un chico que se llama Fernández. ¿Puede un judío llamarse Fernández? Empieza a sospechar que ser judío debe ser aun más complicado de lo que ella creía. Va a tener que pensar en eso. Ahora no tiene tiempo: la maestra está terminando de hacer un anuncio importante: los martes y viernes en la tercera hora los niños católicos se quedarán en el aula para la clase de Religión. Los niños no católicos se trasladarán al aula de primero inferior B para la clase de Moral.
       El martes siguiente, a la tercera hora, empieza para ella un nuevo calvario.

       Lo que más la inquieta es la indefinición, esa zona amorfa y gelatinosa a la que son arrojados los niños que no estudian Religión. La religión es algo. Mariana no conoce del todo sus reglas pero confía en su perfecta definición. En ella entran Dios, los santos, la Virgen María y el Niño Jesús. No está segura de si Dios y el Niño Jesús son la misma persona y tampoco puede establecer una relación muy clara entre el Niño Jesús (también llamado Niño Dios para complicar las cosas), que suele estar en un pesebre, sobre un jergón —cómo le gusta la palabra “jergón”; Heidi también, en la cabaña de su abuelo, duerme en un jergón—, rodeado de cabritas y de burros, y el hombre de pelo largo, siempre muy serio y a veces en la cruz de recuerdo tan doloroso para ella. Los niños que van a Religión deben aprender todas esas cosas y también la vida de los santos —nada le resulta tan tentador como las historias y la expresión “vida de santos” promete historias innumerables— y el misterioso catecismo, que estudian (fuera del colegio) los niños de siete años que van a tomar la comunión. ¡La comunión! ¡He aquí un escamoteo realmente cruel! ¿Puede existir algo más encantador que ese traje de novia con el que las niñas católicas se pasean por las calles el 8 de diciembre? Y acá se presenta otro de los enigmas que Mariana no está en condiciones de resolver: ¿es lo mismo ser católico que ser cristiano? ¿Y es lo mismo “Padre” que “Dios”? Es un hecho que el Padre Nuestro que estás en los cielos es Dios pero ¿qué tiene en común con el cura de la parroquia que, cada tanto, viene al aula a hablarles? Los niños católicos lo llaman “Padre”, ella no. ¿Y cómo debería llamarlo?: ¿Señor? De cualquier manera, el cura de la parroquia parece ignorarla. Da por hecho que en el mundo no hay otra cosa que niños católicos y los invita a la fiesta de la parroquia y les dice cómo deben comportarse para ser buenos cristianos y ganarse el cielo. Eso no la tienta de ninguna manera, le parece que el cura está diciendo una perfecta mentira: nadie es bueno del modo en que él dice que hay que serlo, ni siquiera él mismo. No le gustan los curas, parecen fallutos. A su mamá sí le gustan: dice que hablan lindo y que saben muchas cosas. Su mamá es bastante difícil de entender. Por una parte dice que es judía y por otra parte dice que le gusta cómo hablan los curas y que, cuando era soltera, para Semana Santa, se iba a escondidas al cine a ver la Pasión y muerte de Nuestro Señor Jesucristo. Es una historia tan terrible, le dice. A su mamá le gustan todas las historias terribles, por eso canta las cosas que canta. Pero a mis hermanas no les contaba que iba a ver la Pasión y muerte (le dice): iban a pensar que soy una renegada. Aunque también le dice que ser un renegado es lo peor que una persona puede ser. No es fácil, con una persona como su mamá, saber qué es ser judío. Y con su papá menos. Nunca le explican nada. Dicen que son judíos, y que ella tiene que ir a Moral, y listo. Y ése es su calvario: la moral no es nada. Al menos, nadie sabe qué es; ni siquiera la maestra de Moral que les tocó, que en realidad no esmaestra de Moral sino de primero inferior B. Desde el primer día Mariana pensó que a esa maestra la habían puesto ahí porque a alguien tenían que poner, si no, ¿qué iban a hacer con los niños judíos y con el niño que no tiene apellido judío pero igual va a Moral? —un chico le dijo en secreto que los padres son comunistas, ella no sabe si ser comunista es bueno o malo, lo que le gusta es que el chico sea tan dulce y que conozca el cuento del Príncipe Feliz—. A las clases de Moral van niños de todos los grados y se ve bien claro que la maestra no sabe qué hacer con esa mezcolanza. A veces les lee cuentos, que son lo mejor de la moral. El sastrecillo valiente, les lee un día, y a ella le da en el centro mismo del corazón el modo en que el sastrecillo, que es pequeño y debilucho, pudo vencer al gigante nada más que con inteligencia y picardía. Pero no siempre pasan cosas tan agradables en las clases de Moral. Una vez les hacen hacer una composición sobre el ahorro. Y ella, que ama hacer composiciones casi más que cualquier otra cosa en el mundo, acerca del ahorro sólo puede mentir, de la primera a la última palabra. Y mentir de manera fea, diciendo cosas en las que otros creen pero ella no, que es la peor manera de mentir. Sobre todo cuando se hacen composiciones. No sabe por qué, pero le parece que en una composición una tiene que descubrir la verdad. Si le piden que escriba sobre la primavera, ella se pone a pensar y pensar qué es eso de la primavera, no pura florcita y puro trino, como dicen los libros de lectura: tiene que descubrir la primavera, para eso están las cosas escritas. Pero ¿qué descubrimiento se puede hacer sobre el ahorro? Por cuestiones como ésa siente que mandarla a Moral es lo mismo que tirarla a la basura. La religión es algo, pero la moral no es nada. Y a ella, las cosas que no son nada le dan asco.

       Con el tiempo aprenderá a reírse. Sentada en el banco junto a la pecosa que le gusta tanto —las dos son buenas en matemáticas, las dos hacen composiciones hermosas, las dos leen a Salgari— aprenderá que la moral es buena para reírse de los otros y no hacer nada. Nadie la calificará, nadie le exigirá ninguna cosa. Llegará a entender sin dramatismo que las clases de Moral son un mero pretexto para mantener alejados a los niños judíos de las clases de Religión. ¿Es que los judíos carecen de religión? Sus conocimientos al respecto son un poco confusos. Algunos de sus compañeros de Moral parecen saber mucho sobre el tema y es como si formaran parte de una secta, pero a ella no le gustan las sectas así que no habla con ellos del tema, y la pecosa sabe tan poco como ella acerca de la cuestión judía. ¿Qué sabe ella? Que una vez al año toda la familia se reúne a cenar en la casa de sus abuelos y festejan el Pesaj. Eso es divertido y la comida es riquísima; el único inconveniente es que, para empezar a comer, tienen que esperar a que su abuelo y el más chico de sus primos varones digan un montón de cosas que nadie entiende. Pero después comen y se ríen mucho y eso le encanta. Otra fiesta que le gusta es el Iom Kipur. Ese día, todas las hermanas de su mamá ayunan para que les perdonen sus pecados y se pasan el día entero sentadas en el shil, pero su mamá no ayuna: dice que, a ella, estar todo el día con el estómago vacío le da languidez y que si no toma unos mates a la mañana se siente mal. Lo que sí, almuerzo liviano, dice su mamá. Y en lugar de pasarse todo el día en el shil, a la tarde se pone lindísima y a ella también la pone lindísima, y entonces sí se van al shil para que todos las vean. Lucía no quiere ir así que siempre, antes de salir, se descompone y vomita. Su papá, en el Iom Kipur, come y vive como si tal cosa.
       Del Dios de los judíos nadie le habló nunca así que ella da por hecho que es un tema de la religión, y la religión es para los católicos. En un tiempo, cuando se enteró de que la tierra era redonda e imaginó al cielo como la parte superior de la esfera (que ella sólo podía ver desde abajo) veía a Dios vestido de amarillo y con un poncho de gaucho, sentado con las piernas cruzadas sobre la superficie de la esfera, pero no pensó demasiado en él ni le atribuyó más poder que el de mantenerse sentado sin caerse en un lugar tan incómodo. Su mamá siempre dice que hay un Dios, y ahí se le termina el comentario. Su papá, de Dios no habla nunca. Lucía le leyó unos poemas muy hermosos de un poeta que se llama León Felipe. A ella le gustaron mucho, sobre todo uno que dice ¡Qué lástima que yo no pueda cantar a la usanza de este tiempo lo mismo que los poetas de hoy cantan! Lucía le dijo que León Felipe es panteísta. Qué es ser panteísta, le preguntó ella. Es creer que Dios es todas las cosas, le dijo Lucía. Ella desde entonces trata de imaginar que Dios es las plantas, y los gatos, y las nubes en el cielo. Es lindo eso, le da como alegría, pero no lo entiende del todo. ¡Dios está azul!, dice otro poema lindísimo. Le encanta decir “Dios está azul”, pero nada más que eso. Ahora ya no vomita cuando va al colegio, y aprendió cómo ser buena alumna sin tomarse demasiado trabajo. No piensa en Dios. Si lo encuentra en los libros acepta con naturalidad que sus personajes amados crean en él, del mismo modo que acepta que viajen en diligencia o se lancen al abordaje con el kriss entre los dientes. Nada más que eso. Un ser impreciso y ajeno.

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“A GIRL AND HER GOD”

Being Jewish—she will gradually learn—is many things at once, all illogical. The prohibition against wearing the little man medal is just one. Shortly after that episode, she learns that she will no longer be able to go to the school. She once ran away from just to find out where the little girls with the little blue hats she so longed for went, and where she saw teachers who were like black brides who thrilled her with fear and desire. Another catastrophe occurs on her fifth day of school. Marianita went straight to the first grade because she knows everything, her mother tells anyone she meets. But it’s a lie; she doesn’t know everything: she ignores the keys to a world in which others seem to navigate like fish in water. Only she gasps. Literally gasps. She has vomited every morning before leaving for school. On her fifth day of school, the teacher gives her an order that leaves her frozen: Children who aren’t Catholic, stand up.

Is there an aura of bewilderment around her? Or is it just her who feels that, for the first time, she’s going to have to go public with a situation she doesn’t fully understand? To her right, a very fat girl with an unpronounceable last name, whom she considers a complete idiot, has stood up. That makes things worse: she doesn’t want to be part of a despicable clan. She surreptitiously glances behind her. She sees the girl she likes most standing next to her desk: she’s skinny, has freckles on her nose, and knows the twelve labors of Hercules. She also sees a boy named Fernández standing there. Can a Jew be named Fernández? She’s beginning to suspect that being Jewish must be even more complicated than she thought. She’s going to have to think about that. She doesn’t have time now: the teacher is finishing up an important announcement: on Tuesdays and Fridays, during third period, the Catholic children will stay in their classroom for Religion class. The non-Catholic children will be moved to the lower B classroom for Morals class. The following Tuesday, at the third hour, a new ordeal begins for her.

What worries her most is the lack of definition, that amorphous, gelatinous zone into which students who don’t study religion are thrown. Religion is something. Mariana doesn’t fully understand its rules, but she trusts its perfect definition. It includes God, the saints, the Virgin Mary, and the Baby Jesus. She’s not sure if God and the Baby Jesus are the same person, and she can’t establish a very clear relationship between the Baby Jesus (also called the Baby Jesus to complicate things), who is usually in a manger, on a mattress—how she loves the word “mattress”; Heidi, too, in her grandfather’s cabin, sleeps on a mattress—surrounded by goats and donkeys, and the long-haired man, always very serious and sometimes on the cross, a memory so painful for her. Children who go to Religion must learn all these things, as well as the lives of the saints—nothing is as tempting to her as stories, and the expression “lives of saints” promises countless stories—and the mysterious catechism, which seven-year-olds who are about to take Communion study (outside of school). Communion! Here’s a truly cruel trick! Could anything be more charming than that wedding dress Catholic girls wear when parading through the streets on December 8th? And here arises another of the enigmas Mariana is in no position to solve: is being Catholic the same as being Christian? And is “Father” the same as “God”? It’s a fact that Our Father who art in heaven is God, but what does he have in common with the parish priest who, from time to time, comes to the classroom to speak to them? The Catholic children call him “Father,” she doesn’t. And what should she call him? Lord? In any case, the parish priest seems to ignore her. He assumes there is nothing in the world but Catholic children and invites them to the parish festival and tells them how they should behave to be good Christians and earn heaven. This doesn’t tempt her in the least; it seems to her that the priest is telling a perfect lie: no one is good the way he says they should be, not even himself. She doesn’t like priests; they seem like fools. Her mother does like them: she says they speak beautifully and know a lot of things. Her mother is quite difficult to understand. On the one hand, she says she is Jewish, and on the other hand, she says she likes the way priests talk and that, when she was single, during Holy Week, she would secretly go to the movies to see The Passion and Death of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s such a terrible story, she tells him. Her mom likes all terrible stories, that’s why she sings the things she sings. But I didn’t tell my sisters I was going to see The Passion and Death (she tells her): they would think I was a renegade. Her mother he also tells him that being a renegade is the worst thing a person can be. It’s not easy, with a person like her mom, to know what it means to be Jewish. And even less so with her dad. They never explain anything to her. They say they’re Jewish, and that she has to go to Moral, and that’s it. And that’s her ordeal: Moral is nothing. At least, nobody knows what it is; Not even the Moral Studies teacher they were assigned, who in fact isn’t a Moral Studies teacher but rather a Lower B teacher. From the first day, Mariana thought that that teacher had been put there because they had to put someone there; otherwise, what would they do with the Jewish children and with the boy who doesn’t have a Jewish last name but still goes to Moral Studies? A boy secretly told her that his parents are communists; she doesn’t know if being a communist is good or bad; what she likes is that the boy is so sweet and that he knows the story of the Happy Prince. Children from all grades attend Moral Studies classes, and it’s clear to see that the teacher doesn’t know what to do with that mishmash. Sometimes she reads them stories, which are the best of Moral Studies. She reads “The Brave Little Tailor” to them one day, and it hits her right in the center of her heart how the little tailor, who is small and weak, was able to defeat the giant with nothing more than intelligence and cunning. But such pleasant things don’t always happen in Moral Studies classes. Once they were asked to write a composition about thrift. And she, who loves writing compositions almost more than anything else in the world, can only lie about thrift, from the first word to the last. And she can lie badly, saying things that others believe but she doesn’t, which is the worst kind of lying. Especially when writing compositions. She doesn’t know why, but it seems to her that in a composition one has to discover the truth. If they ask her to write about spring, she starts to think and think about what spring is, not just a little flower and a little song, as the reading books say: she has to discover spring, that’s what written things are for. But what discovery can be made about thrift? For reasons like that, she feels that sending it to Moral is the same as throwing it away. Religion is something, but morality is nothing. And things that are nothing disgust her.

In time, she’ll learn to laugh. Sitting on the bench next to the freckled girl she likes so much—they’re both good at math, they both write beautiful compositions, they both read Salgari—she’ll learn that morality is good for laughing at others and doing nothing. No one will grade her, no one will demand anything of her. She’ll come to understand, without any drama, that Moral Studies classes are a mere pretext to keep Jewish children away from Religion classes. Do Jews lack religion? Her knowledge on the subject is a bit confusing. Some of her classmates in Moral Studies seem to know a lot about the subject, and it’s as if they were part of a cult, but she doesn’t like cults, so she doesn’t talk to them about it, and the freckled girl knows as little as she does about the Jewish question. What does she know? That once a year the whole family gets together for dinner at her grandparents’ house and celebrates Passover. It’s fun, and the food is delicious. The only drawback is that, to start eating, they have to wait for their grandfather and the youngest of their male cousins to say a bunch of things that no one understands. But afterward, they eat and laugh a lot, and she loves it. Another holiday she likes is Yom Kippur. On that day, all of her mother’s sisters fast to be forgiven for their sins and spend the entire day sitting in the shil, but her mother doesn’t fast: she says that being on an empty stomach all day makes her feel languid, and if she doesn’t have some mate in the morning, she feels sick. What she does have is a light lunch, says her mother. And instead of spending the entire day in the shil, in the afternoon she looks gorgeous, and he makes her gorgeous too, and then they go to the shil so everyone can see them. Lucía doesn’t want to go, so she always gets sick and vomits before leaving. Her father, on Yom Kippur, eats and lives as if nothing had happened.

No one ever spoke to her about the God of the Jews, so she assumes it’s a religious topic, and religion is for Catholics. Once upon a time, when she learned the Earth was round and imagined the sky as the top of the sphere (which she could only see from below), she saw God dressed in yellow and wearing a gaucho poncho, sitting cross-legged on the surface of the sphere, but she didn’t think much about him or attribute to him any power other than that of staying seated without falling over in such an uncomfortable spot. Her mother always says there is a God, and that’s the end of her commentary. Her father never speaks about God. Lucía read her some very beautiful poems by a poet named León Felipe. She liked them a lot, especially one that says, “What a pity I can’t sing in the style of our time, the same things that today’s poets sing!” Lucía told her that León Felipe is a pantheist. “What does it mean to be a pantheist?” she asked. It’s believing that God is all things, Lucía told her. Since then, she’s tried to imagine that God is the plants, the cats, and the clouds in the sky. That’s beautiful, it gives her a kind of joy, but she doesn’t fully understand it. “God is blue!” says another beautiful poem. She loves to say, “God is blue,” but nothing more than that. Now she doesn’t vomit when she goes to school, and she’s learned how to be a good student without going to too much trouble. She doesn’t think about God. If she finds him in books, she naturally accepts that her beloved characters believe in him, just as she accepts that they travel by stagecoach or jump into the sea with the Kriss between their teeth. Nothing more than that. An imprecise and alien being.

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Being Jewish—she will gradually learn—is many things at once, all illogical. The prohibition against wearing the little man medal is just one. Shortly after that episode, she learns that she will no longer be able to go to the school she once ran away from just to find out where the little girls with the little blue hats she so longed for went, and where she saw teachers who were like black brides who thrilled her with fear and desire. Another catastrophe occurs on her fifth day of school. Marianita goes straight to the first grade because she knows everything, her mother tells anyone she meets. But it’s a lie; she doesn’t know everything: she ignores the keys to a world in which others seem to navigate like fish in water. Only she gasps. Literally gasps. She has vomited every morning before leaving for school. On her fifth day of school, the teacher gives her an order that leaves her frozen: Children who aren’t Catholic, stand up.

Is there an aura of bewilderment around her? Or is it just her who feels that, for the first time, she’s going to have to go public with a situation she doesn’t fully understand? To her right, a very fat girl with an unpronounceable last name, whom she considers a complete idiot, has stood up. That makes things worse: she doesn’t want to be part of a despicable clan. She surreptitiously glances behind her. She sees the girl she likes most standing next to her desk: she’s skinny, has freckles on her nose, and knows the twelve labors of Hercules. She also sees a boy named Fernandez standing there. Can a Jew be named Fernandez? She’s beginning to suspect that being Jewish must be even more complicated than she thought. She’s going to have to think about that. She doesn’t have time now: the teacher is finishing up an important announcement: on Tuesdays and Fridays, during third period, the Catholic children will stay in their classroom for Religion class. The non-Catholic children will be moved to the lower B classroom for Morals class. The following Tuesday, at the third hour, a new ordeal begins for her.

What worries her most is the lack of definition, that amorphous, gelatinous zone into

which children who don’t study religion are thrown. Religion is something. Mariana doesn’t fully understand its rules, but she trusts its perfect definition. It includes God, the saints, the Virgin Mary, and the Baby Jesus. She’s not sure if God and the Baby Jesus are the same person, and she can’t establish a very clear relationship between the Baby Jesus (also called the Baby Jesus to complicate things), who is usually in a manger, on a mattress—how she loves the word “mattress”; Heidi, too, in her grandfather’s cabin, sleeps on a mattress—surrounded by goats and donkeys, and the long-haired man, always very serious and sometimes on the cross, a memory so painful for her. Children who go to Religion must learn all these things, as well as the lives of the saints—nothing is as tempting to her as stories, and the expression “lives of saints” promises countless stories—and the mysterious catechism, which seven-year-olds who are about to take Communion study (outside of school). Communion! Here’s a truly cruel trick! Could anything be more charming than that wedding dress Catholic girls wear when parading through the streets on December 8th? And here arises another of the enigmas Mariana is in no position to solve: is being Catholic the same as being Christian? And is “Father” the same as “God”? It’s a fact that Our Father who art in heaven is God, but what does he have in common with the parish priest who, from time to time, comes to the classroom to speak to them? The Catholic children call him “Father,” she doesn’t. And what should she call him? Lord? In any case, the parish priest seems to ignore her. She assumes there is nothing in the world but Catholic children and invites them to the parish festival and tells them how they should behave to be good Christians and earn heaven. This doesn’t tempt her in the least; it seems to her that the priest is telling a perfect lie: no one is good the way he says they should be, not even himself. She doesn’t like priests; they seem like fools. Her mother does like them: she says they speak beautifully and know a lot of things. Her mother is quite difficult to understand. On the one hand, she says she is Jewish, and on the other hand, she says she likes the way priests talk and that, when she was single, during Holy Week, she would secretly go to the movies to see The Passion and Death of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s such a terrible story, she tells him. Her mom likes all terrible stories, that’s why she sings the things she sings. But I didn’t tell my sisters I was going to see The Passion and Death (she tells him): they would think I was a renegade. Although she also tells him that being a renegade is the worst thing a person can be. It’s not easy, with a person like her mom, to know what it means to be Jewish. And even less so with her dad. They never explain anything to her. They say they’re Jewish, and that she has to go to Moral, and that’s it. And that’s her ordeal: Moral is nothing. At least, nobody knows what it is; Not even the Moral Studies teacher they were assigned, who in fact isn’t a Moral Studies teacher but rather a Lower B teacher. From the first day, Mariana thought that that teacher had been put there because they had to put someone there; otherwise, what would they do with the Jewish children and with the boy who doesn’t have a Jewish last name but still goes to Moral Studies? A boy secretly told her that his parents are communists; she doesn’t know if being a communist is good or bad; what she likes is that the boy is so sweet and that he knows the story of the Happy Prince. Children from all grades attend Moral Studies classes, and it’s clear to see that the teacher doesn’t know what to do with that mishmash. Sometimes she reads them stories, which are the best of Moral Studies. The Brave Little Tailor reads to them one day, and it hits her right in the center of her heart how the little tailor, who is small and weak, was able to defeat the giant with nothing more than intelligence and cunning. But such pleasant things don’t always happen in Moral Studies classes. Once they were asked to write a composition about thrift. And she, who loves writing compositions almost more than anything else in the world, can only lie about thrift, from the first word to the last. And she can lie badly, saying things that others believe but she doesn’t, which is the worst kind of lying. Especially when writing compositions. She doesn’t know why, but it seems to her that in a composition one has to discover the truth. If they ask her to write about spring, she starts to think and think about what spring is, not just a little flower and a little song, as the reading books say: she has to discover spring, that’s what written things are for. But what discovery can be made about thrift? For reasons like that, she feels that sending it to Moral is the same as throwing it away. Religion is something, but morality is nothing. And things that are nothing disgust her.

In time, she’ll learn to laugh. Sitting on the bench next to the freckled girl she likes so much—they’re both good at math, they both write beautiful compositions, they both read Salgari—she’ll learn that morality is good for laughing at others and doing nothing. No one will grade her, no one will demand anything of her. She’ll come to understand, without any drama, that Moral Studies classes are a mere pretext to keep Jewish children away from Religion classes. Do Jews lack religion? Her knowledge on the subject is a bit confusing. Some of her classmates in Moral Studies seem to know a lot about the subject, and it’s as if they were part of a cult, but she doesn’t like cults, so she doesn’t talk to them about it, and the freckled girl knows as little as she does about the Jewish question. What does she know? That once a year the whole family gets together for dinner at her grandparents’ house and celebrates Passover. It’s fun, and the food is delicious. The only drawback is that, to start eating, they have to wait for their grandfather and the youngest of their male cousins to say a bunch of things that no one understands. But afterward, they eat and laugh a lot, and she loves it. Another holiday she likes is Yom Kippur. On that day, all of her mother’s sisters fast to be forgiven for their sins and spend the entire day sitting in the shil, but her mother doesn’t fast: she says that being on an empty stomach all day makes her feel languid, and if she doesn’t have some mate in the morning, she feels sick. What she does have is a light lunch, says her mother. And instead of spending the entire day in the shil, in the afternoon she looks gorgeous, and he makes her gorgeous too, and then they go to the shil so everyone can see them. Lucía doesn’t want to go, so she always gets sick and vomits before leaving. Her father, on Yom Kippur, eats and lives as if nothing had happened.

No one ever spoke to her about the God of the Jews, so she assumes it’s a religious topic, and religion is for Catholics. Once upon a time, when she learned the Earth was round and imagined the sky as the top of the sphere (which she could only see from below), she saw God dressed in yellow and wearing a gaucho poncho, sitting cross-legged on the surface of the sphere, but she didn’t think much about him or attribute to him any power other than that of staying seated without falling over in such an uncomfortable spot. Her mother always says there is a God, and that’s the end of her commentary. Her father never speaks about God. Lucía read her some very beautiful poems by a poet named León Felipe. She liked them a lot, especially one that says, “What a pity I can’t sing in the style of our time, the same things that today’s poets sing!” Lucía told her that León Felipe is a pantheist. “What does it mean to be a pantheist?” she asked. It’s believing that God is all things, Lucía told her. Since then, she’s tried to imagine that God is the plants, the cats, and the clouds in the sky. That’s beautiful, it gives her a kind of joy, but she doesn’t fully understand it. “God is blue!” says another beautiful poem. She loves to say, “God is blue,” but nothing more than that. Now she doesn’t vomit when she goes to school, and she’s learned how to be a good student without going to too much trouble. She doesn’t think about God. If she finds him in books, she naturally accepts that her beloved characters believe in him, just as she accepts that they travel by stagecoach or jump into the sea with the Kriss between their teeth. Nothing more than that. An imprecise and alien being.

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LIBROS DE LILIANA HEKER/BOOKS BY LILIANA HEKER

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Liliana Heker — Cuentista judío-argentina/Argentine Jewish Short-story Writer — “La muerte de Dios”/”The Death of God” — cuento sobre el pensamiento religioso de una muchacha/short-story about the religious thinking of a girl

Liliana Heker

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Liliana Heker, nacida en Buenos Aires en 1943, es cuentista, novelista y ensayista. Estudió Física en la Universidad de Buenos Aires, pero, desde muy temprana edad, eligió la literatura. A los 16 años se identificó con las actitudes literarias y la posición ideológica de la revista literaria El Grillo de Papel. En El Grillo de Papel publicó sus primeros cuentos. En 1961, luego de que la revista fuera prohibida por un decreto estatal junto con otras publicaciones de izquierda, fundó con Abelardo Castillo, la revista literaria El Escarabajo de Oro (1961 – 1974). En 1977, con Abelardo Castillo y Sylvia Iparraguirre, fundó la revista El Ornitorrinco (1977 – 1986), que codirigió. En estas revistas publicó artículos, ensayos, reseñas y polémicas contra la Dictadura. Su primer libro de cuentos Los que vio la zarza obtuvo la Primera Mención en el Concurso Hispanoamericano de Literatura en 1966. Posteriormente publicó Acuario (cuentos, 1972), Un brillo que se apagó en el mundo (tríptico de cuentos, 1977), Las peras del mal (cuentos, 1982), Zona de Clivaje (novela, 1987 – Primer Premio Municipal de Novela), Los fronteras de lo real (1991, que reúne sus tres primeros libros de cuentos, y obtuvo el Segundo Premio Municipal de Cuento, El fin de la historia (novela, 1996) y La muerte de Dios (cuentos, 2001). En 2016 se publicó Cuentos Reunidos, que combina sus cuentos publicados y algunos inéditos. Las traducciones de sus cuentos al inglés, alemán, francés, ruso, turco, serbio, holandés y farsi están incluidas en varias antologías. Su novela El fin de la historia fue traducida al inglés por Andrea Labinger y publicado por Editorial Biblioasis (Canadá, 2012). La Universidad de Yale publicó una amplia selección de sus cuentos, traducidos al inglés por Alberto Manguel y Miranda France: Please Talk to Me (Yale University Press, 2015). En 2008, una selección de sus cuentos traducidos al hebreo se publicó en Israel.

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Liliana Heker, born in Buenos Aires in 1943, is a short story writer, novelist and essayist. She studied Physics at the University of Buenos Aires, but from a very early age she chose literature. At the age of 16 she identified with the literary attitudes and ideological position of the literary magazine El Grillo de Papel. In El Grillo de Papel she published her first stories. In 1961, after the magazine was banned by a state decree along with other leftist publications, she founded with Abelardo Castillo the literary magazine El Escarabajo de Oro (1961 – 1974). In 1977, with Abelardo Castillo and Sylvia Iparraguirre, she founded the magazine El Ornitorrinco (1977 – 1986), which she co-directed. In these magazines she published articles, essays, reviews and polemics against the Dictatorship. Her first book of short stories, Los que vio la zarza, was awarded First Mention in the Hispano-American Literature Competition in 1966. She later published Acuario (short stories, 1972), Un brillo que se apagó en el mundo (triptych of short stories, 1977), Las peras del mal (short stories, 1982), Zona de Clivaje (novel, 1987 – First Municipal Novel Prize), Los fronteras de lo real (1991, which brings together her first three books of short stories, and won the Second Municipal Novel Prize), El fin de la historia (novel, 1996) and La muerte de Dios (short stories, 2001). In 2016, Cuentos Reunidos was published, which combines his published stories and some unpublished ones. The translations of his stories into English, German, French, Russian, Turkish, Serbian, Dutch and Farsi are included in several anthologies. Her novel El fin de la historia was translated into English by Andrea Labinger and published by Biblioasis Publishing (Canada, 2012). A large selection of her stories, translated into English by Alberto Manguel and Miranda France, was published by Yale University: Please Talk to Me (Yale University Press, 2015). In 2008, a selection of her stories translated into Hebrew was published in Israel.

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History of God I I

       Vivir con Dios es otra cosa. Sigue sin dormir pensando que Lucía se vuelve loca y la mata con un cuchillo, que su papá y su mamá se mueren en un accidente, que un león la está esperando detrás de la mesa del comedor. Y en las madrugadas todavía se despierta ahogada de terror por las cosas que tendría que haber hecho y no hizo, pero cuando de verdad desea algo que de no ocurrir la haría desdichada se lo pide a Dios y sabe que, de una manera o de otra, él se las va a arreglar para que ella lo consiga. Todas las noches le reza. Desde su cama, en la oscuridad, cuando todos en la casa están acostados, sin emitir el menor sonido para que Lucía no la descubra, junta palma contra palma sobre el pecho y comienza una oración que siempre empieza: Diosecito de mi vida. Los pedidos son de índole diversa y, en general, de resolución factible y cumplimiento no inmediato; no le gustaría ponerlo a Dios en apuros. Poco a poco, la oración va adquiriendo una forma: una especie de molde que admite múltiples variables. Hay pedidos que se emiten por única vez; otros, de largo alcance, se repiten muchas noches seguidas; también hay parlamentos puramente conversacionales (va comprobando que Dios la entiende mejor que nadie, que aun ciertas debilidades y contradicciones suyas que le resultaría difícil explicar a otros, son rápidamente aceptadas por Dios: él conoce las motivaciones de todo, razón por la cual suele no coincidir con lo que dice la gente acerca de lo que está bien y lo que está mal: para Mariana, que siempre está a contramano de lo que recomiendan las maestras y los libros de lectura, es un verdadero desahogo hablar con él). Para el final de la oración, igual que para el comienzo, hay una fórmula única: un beso en la punta de los dedos que luego es enviado hacia el cielo. No es que lo ubique a Dios allí o en lugar alguno. Las alusiones al Paraíso, por ejemplo, le resultan tan poco creíbles como los cuentos de hadas. Pero la altura le parece un buen ámbito de observación para alguien capaz de saber qué le está pasando a la gente. No cree que él sepa ni le interese saber en todo momento lo que le sucede a toda la gente. Atiende en cada circunstancia lo que debe ser atendido. A ella la atiende siempre: le gusta su manera de ser: que le hable a él de vos y que no crea que hay que comportarse como las niñas juiciosas de los libros de lectura.
       Por todos estos motivos su vínculo con Dios es secreto e incomunicable. ¿Cómo podría explicarles a sus compañeras que se santiguan ante cada situación de peligro y rezan el Padre nuestro y van a confesarse cuando creen que obraron mal de palabra o de hecho, que a Dios lo aburren muchísimo los formulismos y que jamás les prestó atención a las estupideces que ellas llaman pecados? Con ella sí se divierte: le gusta su manera de ser. El diálogo entre los dos es frecuente y sabroso. Ella le sigue pidiendo cosas y él, a su manera, le cumple en todo. Poco a poco va introduciéndose en el vínculo la posibilidad de los castigos y el sistema se hace cada vez más complejo. Para entenderlo de algún modo hay que diferenciar los desafíos de las promesas. Los desafíos no requieren la intervención directa de Dios; está implícito que él algo debe controlar —si no, ¿quién?— pero ella no le pide nada a cambio; el cumplimiento en sí mismo de la prueba y el haberse librado así del castigo son el premio. Por ejemplo: ella dice que tiene que pisar nada más que baldosas coloradas en una calle en que casi todas las baldosas son azules y hay sólo un camino en zigzag, con interrupciones, de coloradas. Si pisa una baldosa que no sea colorada, le van a ocurrir tres desgracias antes de fin de mes. Ella camina con el corazón pendiendo de un hilo hasta que, por fin, llega a una vereda de baldosas amarillas y queda a salvo. O se acerca a un perro que le da miedo y le acaricia la cabeza. O cuenta hasta treinta con la cabeza adentro del agua. La amenaza de algo terrible se cierne siempre sobre el incumplimiento. Se trata entonces, en cierta manera, de cumplir o morir. Hay un desafío muy especial cuando ella tiene doce años. Lo que tiene de especial es que lo ha podido anunciar con bombos y platillos sin que su padre o su madre se lo pudieran impedir. Lo que ella se ha propuesto y les ha dicho que va a hacer es ayunar el Día del Perdón. ¿Quién le puede prohibir algo así? Sus tías ayunan, su abuelo también, y su abuela ayunaba antes de morir. En su casa no ayuna nadie pero su mamá misma ha dicho que los que ayunan son muy judíos. ¿Alguien se animaría a pedirle a ella que no sea muy judía? En realidad, ser muy judía o poco judía le da exactamente lo mismo. Todo precepto religioso le parece una perfecta idiotez —ha crecido— y lo único que quiere es demostrarse a sí misma que es capaz de no probar siquiera una gota de agua durante veinticuatro horas. Resulta una experiencia fuerte: el ayuno debe ser absoluto, como su mamá le ha dicho que ayunan los muy judíos, así que debe tener mucho cuidado incluso cuando se lava los dientes para no tragar siquiera una milésima de gotita de agua. ¿Y ese gusto que siente en la boca? ¿No será que involuntariamente ha tragado un micrón de gotita? Claro que no, qué estúpida, si las papilas gustativas están en la lengua. Pero, entonces, ¿por qué después de un rato el sabor desaparece? ¿Será una propiedad de lo saboreable desaparecer después de un rato o es que ella ha tragado algo de dentífrico y el sabor se le fue por la garganta? ¿Y la saliva? ¿Está permitido tragarse la saliva? Sí, mientras uno no realice el acto voluntario de tragar. Pero apenas llega a esta conclusión le vienen esas ganas insoportables de tragar que la vuelven loca: trata de pensar en otra cosa pero no puede. Contra el desaliento, irrumpe la idea de que la dificultad y esta lucha consigo misma son parte de su hazaña. Cuando aparece la primera estrella el triunfo es total.
       Las promesas, en cambio, son hechas directamente a Dios y siempre están asociadas a un objetivo concreto, en general al pedido de algo cuyo cumplimiento resulta imperioso —los pedidos corrientes se realizan de manera directa, provocan un alivio inmediato con sólo haber sido formulados, y no requieren promesa alguna—. Ella trata de que la tarea o hazaña a cumplir tenga consecuencias beneficiosas; es habitual que lo prometido consista en algo que ella tendría que hacer pero que su naturaleza perezosa o su perversidad le impide llevar a cabo. La promesa tiene fuerza suficiente como para atravesar estas barreras; es así que, además de garantizar la concesión del pedido, trae el beneficio del cumplimiento mismo —el silicio no se hizo para ella—. En los últimos tiempos, varias promesas de orden alimenticio le han permitido llegar a ser tan delgada como siempre quiso. Hace poco se ha mirado en el espejo y, por primera vez, se ha gustado: otra cosa que le debe agradecer a Dios. A veces —muy pocas veces— hace una promesa que no puede cumplir. Entonces, antes de que llegue el castigo de Dios, se castiga ella misma. Como una ofrenda, le promete a Dios algo todavía más difícil que lo descartado o más largo de cumplir. Y él lo acepta. Las relaciones entre los dos son de total armonía. Ella ahora agradece el no haber recibido el menor atisbo de una educación religiosa. Esto le ha permitido conocer a Dios en su esencia, sin ataduras ni mandatos. Él siempre está cuando lo necesita. La escucha, la entiende y la cuida. Por difícil que sea a veces la vida, ella sabe que, bajo su manto protector, nada malo puede pasarle.

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God’s Story II

Living with God is something else. She still can’t sleep thinking that Lucia will go crazy and kill her with a knife, that her father and mother will die in an accident, that a lion is waiting for her behind the dining room table. And in the early mornings she still wakes up drowning in terror because of the things she should have done and didn’t do, but when she really wants something that would make her unhappy if it didn’t happen, she asks God for it and knows that, one way or another, he will manage to make it happen for her. Every night she prays to him. From her bed, in the dark, when everyone in the house is in bed, without making the slightest sound so that Lucia does not discover her, she puts her palms together on her chest and begins a prayer that always begins: Little God of my life. The requests are of various kinds and, in general, of feasible resolution and not immediate fulfillment; she would not like to put God in a difficult situation. Little by little, the prayer takes on a form: a kind of mold that admits multiple variables. There are requests that are issued only once; others, of far-reaching scope, are repeated many nights in a row; There are also purely conversational lines (she finds that God understands her better than anyone else, that even certain weaknesses and contradictions of hers that she would find difficult to explain to others are quickly accepted by God: he knows the motivations for everything, which is why he usually does not agree with what people say about what is right and what is wrong: for Mariana, who is always against what teachers and reading books recommend, it is a real relief to talk to him). For the end of the prayer, as for the beginning, there is a unique formula: a kiss on the tip of the fingers that is then sent up to heaven. It is not that she places God there or in any place. Allusions to Paradise, for example, seem as little credible to her as fairy tales. But she finds height a good observation area for someone capable of knowing what is happening to people. She does not believe that he knows or is interested in knowing at all times what is happening to all people. In every circumstance, he pays attention to what needs to be paid to. He always pays attention to her: he likes her way of being: that she speaks to him about you and that she doesn’t think that one has to behave like the sensible girls in the reading books.
For all these reasons, her bond with God is secret and incommunicable. How could she explain to her companions that they cross themselves in every dangerous situation and pray the Our Father and go to confession when they think they have done wrong in word or deed, that God is bored to death by formalities and that he never paid attention to the stupid things they call sins? He does have fun with her: he likes her way of being. The dialogue between them is frequent and enjoyable. She keeps asking him for things and he, in his own way, fulfills everything. Little by little, the possibility of punishments is introduced into the relationship and the system becomes more and more complex. To understand it in some way, we must differentiate challenges from promises. Challenges do not require God’s direct intervention; it is implied that he must control something – if not, who? – but she does not ask him for anything in return; the fulfillment of the test itself and having thus escaped punishment are the reward. For example: she says that she has to step on nothing but red tiles on a street where almost all the tiles are blue and there is only one zigzag path, with interruptions, of red ones. If she steps on a tile that is not red, three misfortunes will happen to her before the end of the month. She walks with her heart hanging by a thread until, finally, she reaches a sidewalk of yellow tiles and is safe. Or she approaches a dog that frightens her and strokes its head. Or she counts to thirty with her head under water. The threat of something terrible always looms over failure. So it is, in a way, a question of doing or dying. There is a very special challenge when she is twelve years old. What is special about her is that she has been able to announce it with great fanfare without her father or mother being able to stop her. What she has decided and told them she is going to do is fast on the Day of Atonement. Who can forbid her to do that? Her aunts fast, her grandfather too, and her grandmother fasted before she died. No one in her house fasts, but her mother herself has said that those who fast are very Jewish. Would anyone dare ask her not to be very Jewish? In reality, being very Jewish or not very Jewish is exactly the same to her. Every religious precept seems to her to be completely idiotic—she has grown up—and all she wants is to prove to herself that she is capable of not touching even a drop of water for twenty-four hours. It is a powerful experience: the fast must be absolute, as her mother has told her that the Jews fast, so she must be very careful even when brushing her teeth not to swallow even a thousandth of a drop of water. And that taste she feels in her mouth? Could it be that she has involuntarily swallowed a micron of a drop? Of course not, how stupid, if the taste buds are on the tongue. But then, why does the taste disappear after a while? Is it a property of the taste to disappear after a while or has she swallowed some toothpaste and the taste went down her throat? And the saliva? Is it permissible to swallow saliva? Yes, as long as one does not perform the voluntary act of swallowing. But as soon as she reaches this conclusion she is hit by this unbearable desire to swallow that drives her crazy: she tries to think of something else but cannot. Against the discouragement, the idea breaks in that the difficulty and this struggle with herself are part of her feat. When the first star appears, the triumph is total.
Promises, on the other hand, are made directly to God and are always associated with a specific objective, generally with a request for something whose fulfillment is imperative – ordinary requests are made directly, they cause immediate relief just by being formulated, and they do not require any promise. She tries to make the task or feat to be accomplished have beneficial consequences; it is usual for the promise to consist of something that she should do but that her lazy nature or her perversity prevents her from carrying out. The promise is strong enough to cross these barriers; thus, in addition to guaranteeing the granting of the request, it brings the benefit of the fulfillment itself – the silicone was not made for her. In recent times, various promises of food have allowed her to become as thin as she always wanted. She recently looked in the mirror and, for the first time, she liked herself: another thing she has to thank God for. Sometimes – very rarely – she makes a promise that she cannot keep. Then, before God’s punishment comes, she punishes herself. As an offering, she promises God something even more difficult than what she had discarded or that would take longer to fulfill. And he accepts it. The relationship between the two is completely harmonious. She is now grateful for not having received the slightest hint of a religious education. This has allowed her to know God in his essence, without ties or mandates. He is always there when she needs him. He listens to her, understands her and takes care of her. However difficult life may be at times, she knows that, under his protective mantle, nothing bad can happen to her.

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Algunos de los libros de Liliana Heker/ Some of Liliana Heker’s Books